Is it okay for me to miss you ?

It’s just one of those nights where, I remember the times when we laughed for hours on end and planned our future doing everything together. We was hundred percent sure we were gonna grow up together and never separate but, we did. We changed

Life changed us and we couldn’t do anything about it. We changed goals, habits and evidently, friends.

Why did we let go of this precious bond that binds us together ? Why did we stop holding on to each other like we used to ? We stopped depending on each other because we both went on with our lives doing other things and we shouldn’t lose sight of each other but, we still did.

The fact that we let go and I watched you go on with your life perfectly fine, it’s excruciatingly painful. Not because I think you should feel depress or you shouldn’t be living life but, because I couldn’t be there with you in all those moments. I couldn’t celebrate with you, cry with you or laugh with you.

I miss you with all my heart, not only because you were my best friend but you were like my twin I thought I’ve finally found.

I wished I knew what you say about me or even, thought about me when I’m not around. I wished I could turn back time and save our friendship but I know I can’t and I know it can’t be saved. Because, by the look of things, you seem happy with your new best friends.

Then again, not everything is what it seems.

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Friends ? No.

“How does it feel like to be the worst friend ever ?”

I’ve been asking myself this question for the past hours. Ohgosh, the guilt is eating me alive.

Okay, let’s start from the beginning.

*Brandon is one of my closest friends in college. Going to an ALL chinese college, it’s pretty hard to fit in when you can’t speak much Mandrin or Cantonese and finding someone who speaks English is like finding a rare pearl in the vast ocean. With that said, I had a handful of pearls that I cherish considerably. Brandon is one of them.

When I started college, I went into the wrong course. I hated it, I was depressed and at that time I was going through a ton of crap with the boyfriend. While all that was happening, Brandon was there to cheer me up and talk to me. We were like 2 peas in a pod and I was happy he was there for me. When he was depressed or upset, I’ll be there to talk to him and make him laugh like no one’s business and it really was no one’s business ! But that’s far from the point. The point is, we was each other support.

Today, at 12am, Brandon had a gig. He is aspiring to be a DJ and this was his second gig. It’s also his birthday. I failed to show up AGAIN, due to the fact I’m a girl and can’t go out late because my dad was strict. I did not promised him anything, unlike the first time around but even so, I feel so much guilt and sadness. My support, my friend, I couldn’t even go and cheer him on. I couldn’t even go and celebrate his 20th birthday with him.

I tried so many ways and thought of so many plans, but none of that plan could be executed. I had no transport. I only had my car or a taxi, I wouldn’t mind a taxi but it’s almost 12am. I nearly got kidnapped once, I’m not going to let it happen again. I do not have waze and my phone data is pretty crappy. Can’t even download a 5 second video, let alone, google maps. What other choice do I have ? Nobody has time for me to carpool with them and the boyfriend is having exams.

I know I sound like I’m giving a shit load of excuses, but I can PROMISE, it’s all true. I just hope and pray that Brandon understands because I have lost a lot of friends and I just can’t lose anymore. Especially, Brandon.

*Of course it’s not his real name.
P.S: I will post my ‘ALMOST GOT KIDNAPPED’ story in the near future.