Thoughts

I believe in a forever that some don’t. I believe in a forever that some can’t. But the reason why I can believe all that is because I also accept the fact that not everything is forever. That, there’s always an end to a beginning, a close to an open. 

In order to believe that forever exist, we have to know that an end exist. It’s like yin and yang, we won’t know light without darkness and darkness without light. 

All I’m saying is, some of us believes in a forever, whether it be love, things and people, we believe we will find our forever. But there are some, who believed in a forever a good few times, only to met with an end that tore them apart. That is something I understand completely, but doesn’t that mean that you are a step closer to your forever, to your never ending. Because having known an end means there’s a forever somewhere, we just have to find it. 

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Hi.

Hey, I haven’t been on here since like, LAST YEAR. *pfft*

It was incredibly hectic for me, for the past three weeks with assignment deadlines, getting sick three times in three weeks and just being dead overall. Plus, I lost a few kilos due to my sickness which was food poisoning then stomach ulcer and lastly, sore throat which lead to fever. I stopped eating healthy for those three weeks other than the fact that I couldn’t actually eat much or at all, for that matter. I got sick right after Christmas which was after I ate all the calories in one sitting, but it’s okay, I barfed it out.

It’s unhealthy and I took a lot of days off from college to rest and recuperate at home. I gained back my health and strength but not my weight. I can’t say I mind that my weight doesn’t want to come back, hehehe.

So today, I started to eat healthy again. One cup of hot milo with a few crackers for breakfast, plenty of water to keep me hydrated especially, in this extremely HUMID BOILING LAVA weather we’re facing right now. No air-conditioning can save any of us, we sweat even if the air-conditioner is on. *sigh*

Lunch, my dad bought for me takeout mixed rice. Chicken rendang with fried fish and rice. I hardly ate the rice, ate two piece of the chicken rendang and ate a few bites of the fish. I actually did not like what my dad picked out because I really wanted vegetables and maybe chicken with a little bit of gravy. But it’s okay, i know my dad means no harm. (LOVE YOU PAPA ❤ )

For dinner, I had mixed leafy greens with a cup and a half of boiled broccoli, four dried apricots(cut in half), three cherry tomatoes(cut in half), pan-seared chicken breast (marinated in two tablespoon of Worcestershire sauce, two tablespoon of Heinz yellow Mustard, a teaspoon of white pepper with a pinch of salt) with olive oil, and a tablespoon of Kewpie’s Roasted Sesame dressing on the greens.

I’m going jogging tomorrow morning cause I don’t want to die in the heat of the evening sun. haha. No joke.

If you have any opinions or recipes you’d like to share, please do comment. I would really like a variety of food and colours in my diet.

Thanks for reading and commenting, till next my post. Bye ! 🙂

Christmas.

Yesterday was my college friend’s Christmas party. I attended it with my best friend to keep me company, as always.

I made some bad decisions. SOME is the key word, nonetheless, I had my fill and was pretty happy with my decisions. I did not eat till I was stuffed and had a lot of fruits at the end.

I drank a lot of water instead of the soft drinks and juices they had plus, I had a lot of protein and salad. Mostly spaghetti bolognese and mashed potatoes cause it was FREAKING DELICIOUS.

Other than the food, we did some caroling, I came quite late though. Around 7.05pm when the party started around 6.30pm ish. We got lost twice cause we didn’t know the way and was using Waze. It’s pretty unreliable when it comes to like flyovers but all in all, it was good.

They gave us gifts too, even my best friend got one and he just met them all. It was so sweet and thoughtful of them, though they didn’t have to, considering we’re all going there to eat ALL THEIR FOOD. *cough* I mean, no, to celebrate with them.

Today, for breakfast/lunch, I had pork noodles. 1 bowl has like 400 calories so, I portioned it out to breakfast and lunch. Half a bowl for breakfast and half a bowl for lunch, which is pretty satisfying to me.

For dinner, I had fish, which has like LOADS of proteins. I had a 1/4 bowl of white rice, cause I can’t exactly cut it out entirely or I’ll get like terrible withdrawal symptoms, with stir-fry greens and water.

It was a good day today.

Anyhow, I’m going to finalize my diet plan soon and start planning on my workouts.

Plus, I need to start on my 10 page report on Salvador Dali’s “The Anthropomorphic Cabinet (1936)” painting as my Art’s assignment. Cause it’s due it 2 days. Oh gad, I keep doing this to myself.

Bye!

 

 

Is it okay for me to miss you ?

It’s just one of those nights where, I remember the times when we laughed for hours on end and planned our future doing everything together. We was hundred percent sure we were gonna grow up together and never separate but, we did. We changed

Life changed us and we couldn’t do anything about it. We changed goals, habits and evidently, friends.

Why did we let go of this precious bond that binds us together ? Why did we stop holding on to each other like we used to ? We stopped depending on each other because we both went on with our lives doing other things and we shouldn’t lose sight of each other but, we still did.

The fact that we let go and I watched you go on with your life perfectly fine, it’s excruciatingly painful. Not because I think you should feel depress or you shouldn’t be living life but, because I couldn’t be there with you in all those moments. I couldn’t celebrate with you, cry with you or laugh with you.

I miss you with all my heart, not only because you were my best friend but you were like my twin I thought I’ve finally found.

I wished I knew what you say about me or even, thought about me when I’m not around. I wished I could turn back time and save our friendship but I know I can’t and I know it can’t be saved. Because, by the look of things, you seem happy with your new best friends.

Then again, not everything is what it seems.

Friends ? No.

“How does it feel like to be the worst friend ever ?”

I’ve been asking myself this question for the past hours. Ohgosh, the guilt is eating me alive.

Okay, let’s start from the beginning.

*Brandon is one of my closest friends in college. Going to an ALL chinese college, it’s pretty hard to fit in when you can’t speak much Mandrin or Cantonese and finding someone who speaks English is like finding a rare pearl in the vast ocean. With that said, I had a handful of pearls that I cherish considerably. Brandon is one of them.

When I started college, I went into the wrong course. I hated it, I was depressed and at that time I was going through a ton of crap with the boyfriend. While all that was happening, Brandon was there to cheer me up and talk to me. We were like 2 peas in a pod and I was happy he was there for me. When he was depressed or upset, I’ll be there to talk to him and make him laugh like no one’s business and it really was no one’s business ! But that’s far from the point. The point is, we was each other support.

Today, at 12am, Brandon had a gig. He is aspiring to be a DJ and this was his second gig. It’s also his birthday. I failed to show up AGAIN, due to the fact I’m a girl and can’t go out late because my dad was strict. I did not promised him anything, unlike the first time around but even so, I feel so much guilt and sadness. My support, my friend, I couldn’t even go and cheer him on. I couldn’t even go and celebrate his 20th birthday with him.

I tried so many ways and thought of so many plans, but none of that plan could be executed. I had no transport. I only had my car or a taxi, I wouldn’t mind a taxi but it’s almost 12am. I nearly got kidnapped once, I’m not going to let it happen again. I do not have waze and my phone data is pretty crappy. Can’t even download a 5 second video, let alone, google maps. What other choice do I have ? Nobody has time for me to carpool with them and the boyfriend is having exams.

I know I sound like I’m giving a shit load of excuses, but I can PROMISE, it’s all true. I just hope and pray that Brandon understands because I have lost a lot of friends and I just can’t lose anymore. Especially, Brandon.

*Of course it’s not his real name.
P.S: I will post my ‘ALMOST GOT KIDNAPPED’ story in the near future.

Jasmine.

I’ve gone through a lot in my 19 years of life and most of them is a friendship breakup. I’ve got ditched, blamed on and even took all the shit for most of them, but one not as bad as my most longest BFF.

Let’s call her Jasmine.

Jasmine was my best friend since I was 15. We were friends since 10 but back then, she had many other best friends. Too much, to say the least. We bonded over the fact we was in the same class and we shared SO MANY THINGS in common. We told our fears, hopes, dreams and downright dirty little secrets to each other and only both of us knew about it. Sure, we had loads of close friends or friends, but we didn’t open up to them like how we opened up to each other. She was like a sister I never had. (Oh, I do have sisters, but they’re like 9-17 years older than me. So they grew up first)

Jasmine thought me to be lady-like(due to the fact I grew up around boys) and love myself. She showed me a world of love and friendship. But the thing about Jasmine is that she likes to shove me to the back when she has found someone else to talk to. I’m pretty sure she has shared secrets to two other girls instead of me and somehow, that hurts me a little. Though, she was still the only one i shared most of my secrets to. Other than the boyfriend. But he only came in like, when I was 17.

She only came back to me when she had no one else to talk to and I was okay with that. Until this year. She hid things from me and even push my feelings aside. I confide in her when I was hurt and she told me she doesn’t want to know nor does she want to burden herself with other people’s feelings. MY feelings, to be exact. But when she was hurt and in pain, I was there to shoulder all her tears and sadness. I was there to make her laugh and kept her company throughout the ordeal. I never complained or did I bothered with my own feelings.

Her on-off boyfriend and I were close because she always brings him for our girls day out. We were so close that he confide in me when Jasmine hurt him or they broke up and to be honest, I was the one who cleaned up for her. I listened to him cry and I tried to be there for him while defending her and her callous actions/words towards him. Which is mostly, “I want to break up”.

The most hurtful moment was from the time she cheated on him. I found out solely because he called me to INFORMED me of what she did. I confronted her, she denied it and guilt me into believing I was siding him. When her boyfriend finally made her confess, I was boiling with rage. Not only did she not tell me AGAIN(yes, this wasn’t the first time she had done this) I had to find out through the boyfriend and she could even LIE to my face. The hurt I was feeling was heart breaking.

The boyfriend cried to me again and I still cleaned up after Jasmine and still side her. He promised himself he wasn’t going to be with her and told me to take care of her. He was done. With that, I talked to Jasmine and gave her my shoulder for her to cry on. I took care of her, made her laughed and brought her out constantly. Till one day, when she was done from work and I was spending time with my man, she messaged me;

“Hey, did you know, it’s been 10 years since we’re friends and 5 years since we’ve been best friends :)”

I was elated. I was happy that she actually thought about it and remembered. So many things was going through my mind, I was planning to commemorate it by going dinner or something. I texted her what I thought and her reply was

“See, how useless you are”

I know she was joking, I knew it deep down in my heart but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was tattered and broken. I was hurt and in pain and worn out from her last episode. From then on, I avoided her, ignored her and told her excuses not to hang out. I couldn’t help it. I just can’t. After that, she has been talking to one of our close friends who I actually dislike. Let’s call her Susan. She was so full of herself and she likes to look down on others. So she has been talking to her and one time she messaged me;

“Hey, where have you been ? I wanna hang out”

I felt bad but I was actually busy that time with my finals and I decline politely and told her my plan of meeting up after and she said;

“You know, Susan nowadays is so much better than you”

And that ticked me off. She knew I dislike her and now she’s comparing me with her ? Of all people, why her ? I hated it, so I retaliate;

“Obviously, you basically replaced me with her already, haven’t you.”

She never replied me after that.

Do I feel bad ?
Yes.

Do I miss her ?
With all my heart.

But, I don’t think I can be best friends with her again. Its too heart breaking and it was wearing me out.

P.S. She and her boyfriend got back together. She’s happy with him and Susan. We actually met again for Christmas, but that is another story for another time. 🙂

Yep.

Have you ever start your blog post when you had a great idea but halfway through, you lost your train of thought and suddenly your post doesn’t make sense anymore ?

Yep, happens to me all the time.

I don’t know why, i have this amazing idea to write something out and such but somehow after time it’s not so amazing. Am I just not that creative anymore ? Or was I EVER creative ? I see all these posts and articles that inspires me but somehow when I put my inspiration to words it turns horrible.

How do I become a journalist if this kind of thing happens to me ? I think I’ve lost my touch.

I need tips and to probably write more even though it’s not amazing.